Discussion is often when we are advocating our ideas back and forth across while we are trying to win that side by arguing stronger case, that’s kind of a win- lose situation. it is always an idea against another , but dialogue is more powerful simply because of its moving beyond one idea against another and being able to look for the larger context that gives meaning to what seems like an opposite points of view.
So in dialogue, the conversation is open up and in opening up that conversation, we can get into greater shared understanding and new possibilities that emerge and often take us to solutions that are really good to all involved.
Clearly, listening is one of the most significant parts of the dialogue process.
Unfortunately, most of the time, we are listening in an offensive way as while we are listening, we keep in mind the intensions to figure out what am going to say back to win my point of view. That's what I see as first level of listening.
The next step of listening is a perspective taking, when I can stay hold on my point of view but am suspending it long enough in order to listen to your point of view. Some get distracted by other thoughts in this process or just feel empty.
the third major kind of listening is the empathetic listening, where we listen to the perspective of the other person, but as if we are stepping in their shoes, it is not just about understanding their point of view, it is, then, about an understanding what it is like to be that person with that perspective,
The challenge in all those levels is , that we still holding on to our perspective, what is really needed, is to step outside our perspective, to look for the greatest or third story and create a new common story.
As a mediator or facilitator, it is been important to be listener without bias or attachment, and at the same time to show interest and understanding to everyone‘s point of view, and help him to deliver their ideas clearly.
For that you need to work on your triggers before your session, I do it all the time when I facilitate or mediate sessions, as I know that in some topics I may be listening to some points of view I may not be comfortable with, so I prepare myself in advance and I work in scenarios in my mind so I won’t be surprised or showing emotion as I have a very expressive face. so I work on my triggers, and prepare my questions, opening and follow on questions, they must be open and balanced so they don’t encourage only one side or show I have preferences to one side against other, even if most of the time I have to be spontaneous and invent new questions to get flexible with the flow of ideas.
Moreover, Feedbacks are important too, every word has her weight: you are listening to all, talking to all, but you are in the center, and it’s normal that they focus more in your words and tend to take it more personally, even when you are giving encouragements. I see some facilitators saying “it’s a great point of view, or that’s a good question” and it’s a common mistake as if you keep saying that to everyone you lose your credibility and if you say it only to some people, you risk to show unbalanced or with an agenda.
When facilitating or moderating, the group may drawn in details, you must make sure you keep summarizing and reminding them the goal and the big picture so the flow of ideas don’t just get lost.
As a coach, it’s important to keep myself open and non judgmental, and it’s so difficult for me because I always have my own attitude about everything ;p
That's why I always evaluate my listening attitude with those three questions to control my attitude:
- Am I advocating my position or seeking to understand what the other person has to say?
- Am I curious about what I am listening to? – if my answer is yes, I ask myself how can I be that sure, I demand smart answers from myself either I have to just shut up and listen
- What’s the third story? I play a third role of the story
A no less important thing I have learned, whether how people treat me or I do to others, is to always keep in mind that sometimes we don’t have to focus on the right thing to say, sometimes you only have to focus more on other person’s feeling and his priorities and what’s behind his assumptions, to get to the point.
Human beings are emotional creatures no matter how determined strong they may look; with understanding they can solve every situation no matter how hard it is.